Later that day, we had a Zoom quiz with the girls and their partners so I still couldn't tell them; we freed up a time on Tuesday evening for another session to discuss. 

I had to tell the team at work, I will need to cover a few days over the coming weeks but looking to handover as quickly as possible.

I have no idea what is going to happen next, I know I need further scans so let's see where that leads then we can start making firm plans.

Monday morning at 08.05 I get my first call to book the CT body scan for Tuesday at 09:00, impressive.  Then at 08.30 I get another call booking the MRI for Saturday at 09.30, again, so impressed. We need the meds to do their work on the inflammation prior to the MRI so Saturday is fine. 

My brother had recommended Lance Armstrong's book "It's not about the Bike" a good read, he's a bit of a hero of mine and I need to confront cancer so why not. I make it to the part where he says out loud for the first time that he has cancer then he starts to cry, I know how he felt, you can almost taste the emotion. I read this in the hospital waiting room prior to my CT scan. When the nurse called me I had tears rolling down my face. Bloody emotions, it's all getting very real now that I'm back at the hospital. When I was finished I got back to our car where Annette was waiting, I had a lovely message from a friend of ours, Michelle, which set me off again. This was my theme for the day. I had a video call set up with my management team at work for 13.30 but had to cancel and send an email which was not what I had planned but just could not face a call saying it out loud. I still had the call with the girls to go in the evening.

Our daughters have all moved on with their own lives and partners, so when I reflect back to when the house was full I always remember a house full of love and laughter.  We had so much fun together and still do when the girls all visit at the same time so there is no reason for that to change. Our message when we catch up is positive, no change, we will work together and help each other through this. This photo perfectly reflects my family, smiles and laughter, I love them so much!

It went OK, I had to 'pop out ' of the room just the once and Annette led the chat to help. They knew something serious was coming and took it well. We made a rule of PVO (positive vibes only) and agreed to carry on as normal, so love and laughter with PVO. They are all great, we keep in touch all the time, chat and message and keep it fun. 

For a reason best known to me and in my hope to confront cancer we then decided to watch 'the Big C' on amazon prime https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_C_(TV_series)

We figured as it is a 'dramedy' (what a stupid word) it might prove an entry level way of confronting the issue. As it turned out we watched the complete 4 seasons in a week and a half. With the exception of series 3, which lost it's way a bit, I felt it handled it in a really compassionate way. I will say no more. 

My only issue is that I still cannot sleep but have been told this is the steroids and will improve.

The following Saturday I had the MRI scan, seemed to take forever, no issues from me but I can understand why people don't like them. The Radiographer setting me up made me smile, he told me I needed headphones for the duration of the scan, no options just wear them. Asked did I want music, I said yeah, had a good look at me and said Rock? yeah 70s? yeah, he knew. I ended up listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. So I'm laying in the MRI listening to 'Green River' and 'I Heard it Thru the Grapevine'. I played guitar in bands many years ago and used to play both, we used to jam the hell out of these two, could make them last ages. So my MRI was rather good fun and brought back many long forgotten memories.

So all scans done, now we wait. 

CT body scan was clear so one less worry for a while.

MRI results. We get called in to meet the Neurosurgeon during the week to discuss options and the way forward. There are two tumours, one is a 3cm ball on the right side of my brain on the optical nerve for my left eye (hence the left side issues) the other is on the left side and is small with no impacts as yet. Therefore we discuss options for my little 3 cm friend. Essentially it is treatment or removal. My immediate reaction is get this thing out of my head, it is impacting my sight and my distance perception and if we go for treatment it may not halt any growth for some time. The thought of losing my sight frightens me. Further, if the tumour does grow whilst in treatment it may prove more difficult and risky to attempt removal at a later date. The Neurosurgeon agrees so we make, what is in effect, a massive decision. Brain Surgery. Wow really, that's BIG! It's scary but we need solution mode asap. All agreed and the feeling is that the smaller one can be dealt with by radiotherapy treatment after the operation.

Got the pre med carried out after the consultation then back home to self isolate and wait for a date.

A letter arrives: Monday 15th June 07.30. oh...

Focus on the positives
There are too many negatives in life
Negatives drag you under
Positives raise you up